Mirror, mirror on the regional online wall, who is the most provocative, evocative male model of them all? The Vineyard Vines guys are too stoic. L.L. Bean dudes don't want it bad enough. The winner is this handsome devil working his pearly whites and a Nantucket Red Long Sleeve Button Down for Murray's Toggery, where they've been outfitting preppy folk for 69 years.

You didn't know it was possible to go full frontal with your face, right?! The Man in Nantucket Red is killing it. He reminds me of the dad who subtly hits on the babysitter in the Volvo on the ride home. That belt. Those cheeks. You'd never know that this Clooney-eyed gent is selling machine washable upscale cotton. Does he even know that he's selling machine washable upscale cotton? He's not selling anything. He's just smiling. Such salt. Such purity.

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Part affable, gifted golf pro, but also part Antonio Sabato Jr. in that Lifetime movie where he played a charming but evil pimp, this versatile chameleon slips into the Nantucket Red Collection Men's Unconstructed Sport Jacket and transforms into Christian Grey, were he delivering blue steel on Skinemax. Furrowed brow. Clenched fist. Yes.

I emailed Murray's Toggery and told them I have questions. I genuinely want to know more about this model. But It's August, prime seersucker season. I'm not getting a response any time soon. And honestly, I kind of don't want to know more. In real life, Mr. ACK-NC-17 is probably a wildly upstanding citizen, the easy, breezy dad who talks exclusively about weather and prospective colleges with the babysitter, especially in the Volvo. He might even be an accountant for the Toggery who was coaxed into modeling because of his classic features and uncommonly soft coif. Better to focus on the character: The Man in Nantucket Red.

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Is he on Tinder?

How many bottles of Ralph Lauren Polo does he go through in a day?

Has he ever skinned a live chicken?

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Does he own a switchblade?

Like all of us mortals, he loses his edge in Short Sleeve Poplin. So really, why not just unbutton one more button?

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Did he ever have sex in an ice cream truck?

How often does he get his teeth cleaned?

Where are the bodies buried?

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Where are the other bodies buried?

Has he ever been inside a 7-11?

If the Man in Nantucket Red could have one local ice cream flavor for the rest of his life and/or weekend what would it be?

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Does he ever forget the words to Billy Joel's "Matter of Trust"?

Surfside or Jetties?

Dom or sub?

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Does he think women should be allowed to vote?

Did anyone ever tell him that he looks like a Republican version of Mark Ruffalo?

And finally, is this guy in the Castaway Tidal Fleece his wing man on those late nights at The Chicken Box? Let's hope so.