Vineyard Vines makes something called the Every Day Should Feel This Good coozie.
The reviews (because these need to be reviewed, obviously) are in. "Catherine the Prep" in Maine gives 5 out of 5 whales:
"This product really does the job! It keeps my drink cool while looking preppy at the same time! I definitely would recommend it to anyone who is a cozzie lover or anyone who is looking to add a touch of preppiness subtly."
"Frank from Boston" is 5 whales balls to the wall obsessed:
"In case you were wondering how to look as cool as you feel, now you have the answer. Whether it be at a BBQ, on your couch or at the bar this coozie makes everyone stop and think, "Hey, is that guy a 1%er?" And before you ask - yes, I immediately bought 2 more of these (green and purple)."
But then along came "Sunshine" in Virginia with her 3 shady whales to fuck up the five star party:
"I purchased this product primarily for the adorable whale picture however the picture and the writing have already started to come off of the product after only using it couple of times."
In spite of all this trauma, Sunshine checks the box that she will recommend these coozies to her friends, which means Sunshine wants her friends to fucking suffer like her. Which means she really is from New England so everybody wins.